I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
