his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
