I just pynch a tree in the face
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
