Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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