he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
