Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
