so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
