and my herpes radar will keep us safe
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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