heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
