I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
