I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
