from now on my penis is your penis
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
