You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
