Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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