Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
