I have demons in me.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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