The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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