break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
