I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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