My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
