Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
