i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
