Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
