Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
