honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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