I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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