im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
