Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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