WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
