I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
