I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
