Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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