You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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