The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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