I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
