so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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