So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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