Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
