We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
