I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
