I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize