My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
