textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
