I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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