This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
