Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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