I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
