omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
