Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
