don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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