I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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