I heard we made out
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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