jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize