Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
its liver damage thursday
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