Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We need a shit load of segways right now
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
