Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
