My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
