you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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