On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
