I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
